comfortably numb

hello all. this is going to be a bullet-point style blog of things, because my attention span is not very large right now.
- my coworkers shooting darts in the cubicle next to me doesn't even bother me
- i am sort of spacey and numb, like i'm floating on a cloud today. there is a reason for that.
- i had a really, really, REALLY bad weekend that involved going a little crazy and a lot of crying for no reason (well there are some reasons). thank you everyone who was there for me and who listened and offered advice. it helped A LOT.
- i am lonely. i'd love to hang out with people more but it's hard-- i have so much free time and other people don't. well i just want you all to know that for anyone, anywhere, not just me-- just a friendly call, or email, to say "hi, i was thinking about you" goes a LONG way. it's something that i try really hard to remember because it can mean so much.
- my cats are great, btws. a little destructive of the house (they've broken 2 glass hurricanes that had candles in them that my mom had on the dining room table, whoops) but none the less they are great and adorable.
- no new news from grad school. i will know prob. by march 7th or so at the latest. the suspense was killing me, but not anymore.
- i have decided i need some new projects. one of them will be to take a picture of myself and 1 other thing every single day and post it up here. starting today. (in a new post)
- weight watchers is going pretty well. i didn't do so hot this wkend, but eating crazy things helped my mood so it's kinda a trade off...
- i bought a bike yesterday. and even though i put the seat all the way down, my feet still can't reach the ground. it's been so long since i'd ridden a bike that i had trouble getting started and my mom LITERALLY had to hold the handlebars and push me along like i am 4. then i started going fast down the driveway and was like "whoawhoa MOOOM whoa help!" as she laughed hysterically behind me. i need training wheels.


- ok, so let's address why nothing bothers me anymore. i decided the anxiety i've had for the past couple months (aka years) was coming to a head and i needed help. my Dr. gave me effexor yesterday and i started it then. the effects shouldn't be felt until what, like 2 weeks? but he also gave me ambien to sleep and i still feel numb because of that. not sleepy, just slow and numb. but not anxious, nor am i really unhappy, or super lonely anymore.
i was feeling anxious (shocking) about my decesion to get back on anti depressants (i was on them for about a year or so in 03-04) because of how anti depressants are stigmatized: you are either crazy so you need them, or you are overmedicating because you just need to chill out. while i agree people are way overmedicated and i dont want to feel numb, i also dont want to feel panic-y and i dont want to be that person who is always neurotic on the phone and it's like "what's the crisis for today?" you know? i hate feeling numb but i'm going to do my best to find the balance between non anxious and numb.
i'll let you know how it goes.

ps-- who reads this blog? my bff, mikey, admitted to not reading it. it made me kinda sad, because do i have much of a readership? i think there's 4 of you?